When I Was Her

She’s 17 and in Disney World with the best friends she’d ever known.

She’s pantomiming her band director’s conducting style with a light-up Sorcerer Mickey wand.

In a public place.

And allowing people to photograph her doing it.

She’s impervious to criticism.

She’s the kind of person who wears a Napoleon Dynamite graphic t-shirt and thinks she’s way cool.

She’s wearing pink sneakers.

She has a crush on a boy who she doesn’t realize won’t ever like her back.

She doesn’t yet know that in a few years she’ll meet a boy whose love she’ll sometimes feel she doesn’t deserve.

Her favorite class is Psych AP, though she tells everyone it’s English.

She thinks she wants to be a high school teacher, but the seed of doubt has already been planted.

Her favorite colors: green, guava pink, deep purple.

Her eyebrows: Ungroomed.

Her fashion concept: Very well-intentioned.

Her self-esteem: As high as it will ever be for the next four years.

***

I love her and I’m a bit embarrassed by her at the same time. I want to go back in time and tell her: You’re wearing your clothes one size too small; He’s Just Not That Into You; You’re going to want to be a librarian instead of a teacher so get on that; Here’s the name & number of your future Perfect Hairdresser.

Above all else, I want to go back and tell her: You’re going off to college and you’re going to meet a lot of people who will make you feel small and a few people who will make your life rich and wonderful. Never forget how awesome you are and never let them change you.

Of course, you can’t go back, you can’t change the past, and so we simply live, recollect and learn, and then move on. And I’m becoming more and more at peace with that every day.

[Geez, what's with the time-travel themed entry? I blame Monday's Terminator marathon.]

this is where I’ve been, this is where I’m going

Where I’ve been:

• Off at Rowan, visiting Lindsay. Sadly, we don’t do anything interesting when we hang out. We talked about high school and went to the bank.
• Spontaneously driving home early from Rowan to visit Ilana, who was stopping in NJ for a night with her roommate Kayley before moving on to Maryland. We spent about 80% of the time waiting for two bagels to toast. Then her mom showed us how to turn on the toaster.
• Watching The Sound of Music with my sister and Matt, and singing along obnoxiously. And laughing about that one von Trapp daughter who looks like a man, down to the Adam’s Apple. And urging Julie Andrews to calm it on DOWN with the belting, or you’re gonna lose that pretty voice one day.
• Finishing Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. I thought I would never finish it, especially in the middle when it just Kept! On! Going!, but when I reached the end I was so sad that I didn’t have any more to read. I had a free moment today and I thought, “Oh, let me pick up Middlesex and get a little further,” and then I remembered I CAN’T GO ANY FURTHER WAHH.
• Off at a Weight Watchers meeting, where their scales did NOT register that I’ve reached my 10% weight loss goal because they are like, calibrated exactly .4 lbs higher than our scale, I guess. Dammit, WW, I just want my celebratory keychain!!
• Starting to finally watch The Terminator (yes, the Schwarzennegger movie) but succumbed to a fit of Crazy Sleepy before it was halfway done. Matt can confirm this.

Where I’m going:

• To sub for the Secretary to the Director at the library for two days, Tuesday and Wednesday. I’m kind of nervous because I’ve never worked the desk without her supervision, but I’m mainly happy to be involved.
• To meet with two Real Live Librarians (on Wednesday), who’ve apparently seen my resume and requested to meet with me. I hope they think I’m awesome and need an aide and give me a job even though there is a hiring freeze right now.
• To my first day of actual work at the Bagel Place. On Thursday I had orientation, where I filled out scads of paperwork, did a “scavenger hunt” (aka the manager showed me where everything was) and watched a low-budget training DVD. I have a hunch that the job is going to suck a bit, but I also have a hunch that most minimum-wagey jobs suck a bit, too.
• To begin my attempt to read all three books of The Lord of the Rings without skipping over the chapters where they frolic in the woods.
• To spend a weekend with Katie (my best friend from college), and hopefully Caitlin and Natalie, who are best roommates I have ever had, and the Sunshines Of My Life. I’m so unnecessarily excited.

Updates to follow. Hope that wherever you’re going, the weather’s good!

this entry was brought to you by the letter Ramble.

Matt and I went to Six Flags Great Adventure yesterday, kind of because we wanted to, but mostly because it was free. (Well, sort of free. Long, boring, non-blog-worthy story.)

Also, Matt really wanted to go on Kingda Ka. Here is Kingda Ka:

According to the Great Adventure website, it’s the tallest and fastest coaster in the world. If you like numbers: you get shot out at 128 mph into a 450-some foot, 90 degree angle drop. The whole ride takes like, 50 seconds. I was once peer pressured into riding this ride by a cute German exchange student. I basically blacked out.

I think we actually did it a second time, too. Lindsay might have to comment and confirm this.

So I told Matt flat-out that I was not doing it again. Instead, we went on the Big Wheel ferris wheel, which, um is pretty tall too! Like 15 stories or something!

Confession: I think ferris wheels are romantic. That’s why I always make Matt go on them with me.

Poll: who else think Matt’s transitional lenses need to go? I’m trying to convince him they suck. Also, do you like the shadow of worry in my eyes? That’s cause I felt insecure sticking my hand out so far while I was so high up in the air.

Our sort-of-free tickets came with admission to the safari, so obviously we had to go. I hadn’t been since I was like, 13 or something, and it was SO BIZARRE. I mean, it’s basically like a drive-thru zoo, but instead of the animals being in cages, YOU’RE in the cage, because you can’t leave your car or roll down the windows. So animals like, come up to your car and peck at it or lick it because they’re like, “WTF, mate? Is this food?”

See? Isn’t that weird??

Oh, also weird about the safari: while we were trying to navigate it, we kept getting bombarded by phone calls from various employers or potential employers.

I got a call from my now-manager at the bagel shop, with good news that my paperwork is all valid and stuff, and I can start on Thursday. (Tomorrow!) (Eeek! I’ve never sold bagels before! Not even bread or pretzels! What if I’m not cut out for — just kidding; for once I’m not having crippling anxiety over a new venture.)

I also got a call from the Volunteer Coordinator at the library, who told me about some more stuff I could possibly do.

It was cool, but totally distracting and dangerous. If you’re not supposed to talk on the phone while just driving on a normal road with other vehicles, I’m pretty sure talking on the phone while you are on a road surrounded by ostriches and elk is like, 400 times more against the law.

Some more Six Flags Great Adventure observations:

• I think a pre-requisite for being a ride operator is that you have operated a fast-food drive thru first. Also: that you have no concept of what an appropriate length of space between your mouth and a microphone is.
• Another pre-req: Must have awkward peach-fuzz Starter ‘Stache. ::shudder::
• Umm, Bizarro seriously is just Medusa re-painted — Oh, and look, it even says that on the website. “Transformed Medusa has become Bizarro.” Hmm.
• What “transformed” means is that they left the ride exactly the same but painted the tracks blue, welded speakers to the sides of the seats (that play a cacaphony of action movie snippets as you ride the ride), and added a ring of fire and a ring of… well, moisture. (It sprays mist at you.)
• Along with Yosemite Sam and Tweety Bird, they now have a guy walking around dressed up as the Six Flags Old Man. This is disturbing and wrong.
• Two coasters is my breaking point. I always try to make it to just one more, to get my money’s worth. But that third coaster is just too much — my body has no more adrenaline to release. So I just feel headachey and awful.
• Dippin’ Dots? Is so awesome.

Today I worked the reception desk at the library for a bit. The best part about having a job is that you have a reason to change out of your pajama shorts. Look how well I can clean up:

I’d like to thank: Target for furnishing ALL of this outfit, even the components that are not visible; You, the reader, for not laughing at my “let’s try to be pensive and all Top Model but fail miserably and just look like you smell something bad” face.

this is just to say

Today, I bought orthopedic shoes.

That is all.

this one’s just all over the place.

Fact: I’m scheduled to take the GREs September 22nd, and I’ve effectively lost all motivation to study for it. This is gonna be ugly, folks.

Fact: Last night I saw a lot of relatives that I haven’t seen in years, and some I’ve never really spoken to. Then I tap danced for them.

Fact: This Tumblr makes me want to give up on this silly “have a healthful, balanced, and moderate sensibility about food” thing. ME WANT PB CHOC CUPCAKE. ME WANT NOW.  (Once again, credit must go to my cousin Tintin, who found and Twittered that link.)

Fact: I don’t know if I will ever finish the anthology of short horror fiction I’m reading because it’s so damn scary. I read a story before bed a few nights ago, and I was so paranoid afterward I had to read almost half of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory before I worked up the courage to turn out my light.

Fact: A little boy and his extremely permissive, Kate-Gosselin-coiffed grandma sitting behind me at church today activated my Bitter Self-Righteous Inner Monologue, an aspect of myself I’m not too proud of: It’s hard to hear this nun from Africa tell me about how her village has no electricity when your grandson IS BEING A TRAIN. This place is not a PRESCHOOL, ma’am.

Seriously though, LOTS of people were turning around to glare at her! Most people at least shush their kids for show, even if you can tell they think their kid is pastry-wrapped perfection! This lady was like “What KIND of train are you, huh? Ooooh.”

So, a mixed-bag weekend, to go with a mixed-bag week. Coming up this week: The Great Closet Re-Organize, my first day at the Bagel Place, and Huxley Takes a Bath. But for now, I’m going to look for something to slater in peanut butter. Bai.

hoping things stay up

The universe is so uncanny and mysterious. As soon as I released all of my doubts and negative thoughts into my blog, things started to suddenly… happen for me.

I’m training as the Secretary to the Director’s volunteer replacement at the library, and doing her job while she’s on break makes me feel like a Real Person.

I’ve lost almost 15 lbs since restarting WW, and my body started to actually reflect the weight loss last week and this week. So my clothes don’t fit me anymore, which I guess just means I’ll have to buy some new ones OH WELL.

I just got a part-time job at a nearby bagel/coffee chain, which means I might be able to afford to buy some new clothes. Also, it’s a HUGE self-esteem boost nailing an interview and getting hired on the spot, no matter what kind of work it is.

I had no idea how happy and excited this would make me: I had a total breakthrough with Huxley last night. Usually, when I put him back in his condo after playtime, he frantically hides in his hedgehog den and won’t emerge until I’m in the middle of a REM cycle. Yesterday, though,  I was sitting at my computer after returning him to his cage and I heard a weird kronch-kronch-kronch noise. First I was like FIGHT OR FLIGHT, but then I realized that it was actually the sound of Huxley eating his food in my presence.

And then, later on, he ran on his wheel whilst I was in the room.

Okay, so maybe I was pretending to be asleep. That still counts. Right?

Another thing that makes me waaay too happy: My BFF Linds is in Disney World this week, and it’s really fun living vicariously through her tweets and texts.

Also, Project Runway is back (!), and Glee’s starting in like 2 weeks, and The Guild is so effing funny.

Maybe my sudden Big Changes are a result of cosmic balance, maybe I’ve just had an attitude adjustment. But I’m hoping things stay up for a little while before the swing down. I like this.

The hardest thing there is

What if I didn’t apply to grad school this Winter?

What if I took my GREs and kept them handy, saved the list of my top 10 schools, kept in contact with admissions — but just waited a year?

Would that be a mistake?

What if I spent August to August volunteering at the library, making connections with the Director and the Volunteer and Event Coordinators, shadowing and working with actual librarians?

What if that experience could make me a better candidate for my Masters? I’d have a better grasp of what I want to do with my time at the school, instead of assuming I can figure it out when I’m there.

I’d have an idea of exactly what I want to do after I get the degree, instead of vaguely knowing I want to work in a library.

I’d have the strength of an entire year’s worth of involvement at a library instead of no experience whatsoever.

I’d have real professional recommendations from the people I assisted instead of 1 or 2 personal recommendations from college professors who may or may not like me as well as I think they do.

What if volunteering at the library could lead to bigger responsibilities, more opportunities, employment? What if the library helped me pay for grad school?

What if I channeled the Tortoise — built my career slowly and steadily,  instead of rushing into grad school just to say I’ve got something to do and somewhere to be?

My head’s been such a mess these past couple days that I can’t separate the Poisonous Thoughts from the Legitimate Concerns.

And then there’s my parents. When I told them I wanted to try grad school, they were amazing and immediately supported me; they didn’t even balk at the idea of having both my sister and me in college at the same time. They didn’t try to talk me out of it or reprimand me for wanting more school, they didn’t insist that I just find a normal job and go back to school when someone else can pay for it. They accepted my choice and have been trying in every way to help me.

How do I tell them that I want to wait? I feel like I’ve set them up for one outcome and now I’m pulling the rug out from under them. How can I convince them that I’m not having second thoughts about this career, just about the timing of it all?

Would taking it slow even make a difference? Would it work the way I think it will? Am I unconsciously making up excuses not to take the plunge? Or does this make logical sense?

**

“Life is hard, Tommy. Sometimes I think it’s the hardest thing there is.” – Chucky Finster

Which one are you?

I LOVE this graphic by Scott Johnson called “The 56 Geeks.” (If you click on it you can see it full-size — at least you can if I did it right.)

I think I’m a cocktail of Book Geek, Food Geek, Band Geek, and of course, Geek Geek.

How about you?

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

An essay.

I bothered my dog, who paid me no mind whatsoever.

I met up with Matt in various places around South Jersey. This place looks like an abandoned warehouse, but it is in fact the back of Sundae’s Ice Cream Shop.

I went to Ocean City, NJ more times than I have been in my whole life, I think.  I got a wicked tan. I ate a lot of Banana Whip from the Bashful Banana. I came way too close to being Seagull Dinner a couple times, too.

I traveled to Bangladesh, where I safari’d and wore a festive hat.

(Just kidding — this is from the Big Cats exhibit at the Philly Zoo.)

I bonded with my hedge friend, Huxley. He totally wouldn’t come out of that tube when it was time for bed. In the end, after a lot of patient coercion with mealworms and more than a few pricked fingers, I had to shake it exactly like a salt shaker to get him out.

I also expanded his cage into a spiffy hedgie condo! (Okay, my dad expanded the cage, using a Dremel tool and a utility knife and other things I still don’t really feel like I’m allowed to touch.)

I did make him this name tag, though. I’m thinking of making more and selling them on Etsy. I think people will really like the eraser smudges and the cutting-out-a-rounded-square FAIL.

Don’t mock me! I don’t have the Crafty Gene! This is the best I can do! Seriously!

Seriously.

***

Today, a boy in a suit showed up at my door.

I told him I was very sorry, but it was dinnertime and if he didn’t mind I could talk about the encyclopedias he was selling around 8 or 9.

[Matt always has the same cheesed-out grin in every picture I take of him. It should bother me that I can never get him to smile normally, but I just think it's super cute.]

[Also, boys in suits are cute.]

[Also, the end.]

Ramble On

So, yesterday and today.

Last night I went to the mall with my mom and dad, something we used to do a lot when I was like, 12 or 13, and which I haven’t done much since then.

I liked it. We went to this new pet store called The Puppy Palace where they had these teeny teacup versions of hybrid breeds like “Yorkipoo” and “Boxerdoodle” and  my personal favorite, “Bug,” a mix between a Boston Terrier and a Pug. Really, dog breeders? Really?

Also, all of the Cinnabons are disappearing. There are three malls within reasonable driving distance of my house, and all of them closed their Cinnabons. So it seems they might have gone bankrupt or something. I’m really confused because I’m pretty sure that they don’t have any competition.

Okay, that may be my own bias. Cinnabons were my first and possibly only addiction. Cause you know they be putting cocaine up in that frosting. “Cream cheese” is a code word. Didn’t anyone see that one episode of CSI? [SPOILER: THE CINNAMON BUNS ARE BEING USED TO SMUGGLE DRUGS]

Also last night: Another Thunderstorm of Apocalyptic Proportions! We are getting a lot of those lately. Hickory — my dog — flipped the eff out, cowering and panting and drooling and generally being pathetic. I actually got really scared for him because it looked like he was going to have a heart attack.

So I spent some time coddling him; I dragged him up onto my bed and pet him a lot and tried to calm him down. Then I searched “dog panting shaking thunderstorm” on the Internet and found out that’s pretty much the opposite of what you’re supposed to do. Oops!

Apparently if you fuss over a dog while they’re exhibing anxiety you’re actually reinforcing the anxious behavior. You’re supposed to remain calm, let them find a safe place to sit and hide, and pretty much just act as if there isn’t a tornado outside and you don’t have a vibrating animal at your feet. It totally works! He didn’t stop vibrating, but he stopped drooling and he wasn’t quite so bug-eyed anymore. And this morning I woke up and the storm was over and Hickory didn’t seem to be traumatized in any way. So I really want to thank the Internet today, for stopping me before I ruined him forever.  God, what did people do before Google?

Today there was: Weight Watchers meeting, couch-sleeping, reading [you can see what I'm reading here!], payday, The Fugitive, whole-wheat macaroni and cheese,  an impromptu Target run, and chocolate biscotti.

Tomorrow there will be: music-making, college friend reunions, hopefully more reading, and definitely more chocolate biscotti.

Hope your weekends were lovely, too!