this is just to say

Today, I bought orthopedic shoes.

That is all.

this one’s just all over the place.

Fact: I’m scheduled to take the GREs September 22nd, and I’ve effectively lost all motivation to study for it. This is gonna be ugly, folks.

Fact: Last night I saw a lot of relatives that I haven’t seen in years, and some I’ve never really spoken to. Then I tap danced for them.

Fact: This Tumblr makes me want to give up on this silly “have a healthful, balanced, and moderate sensibility about food” thing. ME WANT PB CHOC CUPCAKE. ME WANT NOW.  (Once again, credit must go to my cousin Tintin, who found and Twittered that link.)

Fact: I don’t know if I will ever finish the anthology of short horror fiction I’m reading because it’s so damn scary. I read a story before bed a few nights ago, and I was so paranoid afterward I had to read almost half of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory before I worked up the courage to turn out my light.

Fact: A little boy and his extremely permissive, Kate-Gosselin-coiffed grandma sitting behind me at church today activated my Bitter Self-Righteous Inner Monologue, an aspect of myself I’m not too proud of: It’s hard to hear this nun from Africa tell me about how her village has no electricity when your grandson IS BEING A TRAIN. This place is not a PRESCHOOL, ma’am.

Seriously though, LOTS of people were turning around to glare at her! Most people at least shush their kids for show, even if you can tell they think their kid is pastry-wrapped perfection! This lady was like “What KIND of train are you, huh? Ooooh.”

So, a mixed-bag weekend, to go with a mixed-bag week. Coming up this week: The Great Closet Re-Organize, my first day at the Bagel Place, and Huxley Takes a Bath. But for now, I’m going to look for something to slater in peanut butter. Bai.

hoping things stay up

The universe is so uncanny and mysterious. As soon as I released all of my doubts and negative thoughts into my blog, things started to suddenly… happen for me.

I’m training as the Secretary to the Director’s volunteer replacement at the library, and doing her job while she’s on break makes me feel like a Real Person.

I’ve lost almost 15 lbs since restarting WW, and my body started to actually reflect the weight loss last week and this week. So my clothes don’t fit me anymore, which I guess just means I’ll have to buy some new ones OH WELL.

I just got a part-time job at a nearby bagel/coffee chain, which means I might be able to afford to buy some new clothes. Also, it’s a HUGE self-esteem boost nailing an interview and getting hired on the spot, no matter what kind of work it is.

I had no idea how happy and excited this would make me: I had a total breakthrough with Huxley last night. Usually, when I put him back in his condo after playtime, he frantically hides in his hedgehog den and won’t emerge until I’m in the middle of a REM cycle. Yesterday, though,  I was sitting at my computer after returning him to his cage and I heard a weird kronch-kronch-kronch noise. First I was like FIGHT OR FLIGHT, but then I realized that it was actually the sound of Huxley eating his food in my presence.

And then, later on, he ran on his wheel whilst I was in the room.

Okay, so maybe I was pretending to be asleep. That still counts. Right?

Another thing that makes me waaay too happy: My BFF Linds is in Disney World this week, and it’s really fun living vicariously through her tweets and texts.

Also, Project Runway is back (!), and Glee’s starting in like 2 weeks, and The Guild is so effing funny.

Maybe my sudden Big Changes are a result of cosmic balance, maybe I’ve just had an attitude adjustment. But I’m hoping things stay up for a little while before the swing down. I like this.

The hardest thing there is

What if I didn’t apply to grad school this Winter?

What if I took my GREs and kept them handy, saved the list of my top 10 schools, kept in contact with admissions — but just waited a year?

Would that be a mistake?

What if I spent August to August volunteering at the library, making connections with the Director and the Volunteer and Event Coordinators, shadowing and working with actual librarians?

What if that experience could make me a better candidate for my Masters? I’d have a better grasp of what I want to do with my time at the school, instead of assuming I can figure it out when I’m there.

I’d have an idea of exactly what I want to do after I get the degree, instead of vaguely knowing I want to work in a library.

I’d have the strength of an entire year’s worth of involvement at a library instead of no experience whatsoever.

I’d have real professional recommendations from the people I assisted instead of 1 or 2 personal recommendations from college professors who may or may not like me as well as I think they do.

What if volunteering at the library could lead to bigger responsibilities, more opportunities, employment? What if the library helped me pay for grad school?

What if I channeled the Tortoise — built my career slowly and steadily,  instead of rushing into grad school just to say I’ve got something to do and somewhere to be?

My head’s been such a mess these past couple days that I can’t separate the Poisonous Thoughts from the Legitimate Concerns.

And then there’s my parents. When I told them I wanted to try grad school, they were amazing and immediately supported me; they didn’t even balk at the idea of having both my sister and me in college at the same time. They didn’t try to talk me out of it or reprimand me for wanting more school, they didn’t insist that I just find a normal job and go back to school when someone else can pay for it. They accepted my choice and have been trying in every way to help me.

How do I tell them that I want to wait? I feel like I’ve set them up for one outcome and now I’m pulling the rug out from under them. How can I convince them that I’m not having second thoughts about this career, just about the timing of it all?

Would taking it slow even make a difference? Would it work the way I think it will? Am I unconsciously making up excuses not to take the plunge? Or does this make logical sense?

**

“Life is hard, Tommy. Sometimes I think it’s the hardest thing there is.” – Chucky Finster

Which one are you?

I LOVE this graphic by Scott Johnson called “The 56 Geeks.” (If you click on it you can see it full-size — at least you can if I did it right.)

I think I’m a cocktail of Book Geek, Food Geek, Band Geek, and of course, Geek Geek.

How about you?

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

An essay.

I bothered my dog, who paid me no mind whatsoever.

I met up with Matt in various places around South Jersey. This place looks like an abandoned warehouse, but it is in fact the back of Sundae’s Ice Cream Shop.

I went to Ocean City, NJ more times than I have been in my whole life, I think.  I got a wicked tan. I ate a lot of Banana Whip from the Bashful Banana. I came way too close to being Seagull Dinner a couple times, too.

I traveled to Bangladesh, where I safari’d and wore a festive hat.

(Just kidding — this is from the Big Cats exhibit at the Philly Zoo.)

I bonded with my hedge friend, Huxley. He totally wouldn’t come out of that tube when it was time for bed. In the end, after a lot of patient coercion with mealworms and more than a few pricked fingers, I had to shake it exactly like a salt shaker to get him out.

I also expanded his cage into a spiffy hedgie condo! (Okay, my dad expanded the cage, using a Dremel tool and a utility knife and other things I still don’t really feel like I’m allowed to touch.)

I did make him this name tag, though. I’m thinking of making more and selling them on Etsy. I think people will really like the eraser smudges and the cutting-out-a-rounded-square FAIL.

Don’t mock me! I don’t have the Crafty Gene! This is the best I can do! Seriously!

Seriously.

***

Today, a boy in a suit showed up at my door.

I told him I was very sorry, but it was dinnertime and if he didn’t mind I could talk about the encyclopedias he was selling around 8 or 9.

[Matt always has the same cheesed-out grin in every picture I take of him. It should bother me that I can never get him to smile normally, but I just think it's super cute.]

[Also, boys in suits are cute.]

[Also, the end.]

Ramble On

So, yesterday and today.

Last night I went to the mall with my mom and dad, something we used to do a lot when I was like, 12 or 13, and which I haven’t done much since then.

I liked it. We went to this new pet store called The Puppy Palace where they had these teeny teacup versions of hybrid breeds like “Yorkipoo” and “Boxerdoodle” and  my personal favorite, “Bug,” a mix between a Boston Terrier and a Pug. Really, dog breeders? Really?

Also, all of the Cinnabons are disappearing. There are three malls within reasonable driving distance of my house, and all of them closed their Cinnabons. So it seems they might have gone bankrupt or something. I’m really confused because I’m pretty sure that they don’t have any competition.

Okay, that may be my own bias. Cinnabons were my first and possibly only addiction. Cause you know they be putting cocaine up in that frosting. “Cream cheese” is a code word. Didn’t anyone see that one episode of CSI? [SPOILER: THE CINNAMON BUNS ARE BEING USED TO SMUGGLE DRUGS]

Also last night: Another Thunderstorm of Apocalyptic Proportions! We are getting a lot of those lately. Hickory — my dog — flipped the eff out, cowering and panting and drooling and generally being pathetic. I actually got really scared for him because it looked like he was going to have a heart attack.

So I spent some time coddling him; I dragged him up onto my bed and pet him a lot and tried to calm him down. Then I searched “dog panting shaking thunderstorm” on the Internet and found out that’s pretty much the opposite of what you’re supposed to do. Oops!

Apparently if you fuss over a dog while they’re exhibing anxiety you’re actually reinforcing the anxious behavior. You’re supposed to remain calm, let them find a safe place to sit and hide, and pretty much just act as if there isn’t a tornado outside and you don’t have a vibrating animal at your feet. It totally works! He didn’t stop vibrating, but he stopped drooling and he wasn’t quite so bug-eyed anymore. And this morning I woke up and the storm was over and Hickory didn’t seem to be traumatized in any way. So I really want to thank the Internet today, for stopping me before I ruined him forever.  God, what did people do before Google?

Today there was: Weight Watchers meeting, couch-sleeping, reading [you can see what I'm reading here!], payday, The Fugitive, whole-wheat macaroni and cheese,  an impromptu Target run, and chocolate biscotti.

Tomorrow there will be: music-making, college friend reunions, hopefully more reading, and definitely more chocolate biscotti.

Hope your weekends were lovely, too!

Late-night confessions

I don’t eat as many vegetables as I should/could in a day.

I didn’t read a lot of the books I was supposed to read in college.

I have the most childish sense of humor ever. This shouldn’t be as funny to me as it is.

I like Demi Lovato’s music in a decidedly un-ironic way.

I have a lot of really radical opinions but I’m afraid of confrontation and I don’t feel informed enough to speak out.

I say this with utter honesty:  If I ever have a son,  I will name him Malcolm after Captain Mal Reynolds.

I kind of want to be Christine Gambito, aka HappySlip.

At age 22, I’m still not assertive enough to order Chinese food or pizza on the phone.

I miss college already.

Finally above water

“I’m feeling all sorts of feelings right now!”
“I know!”
“And none of them are ‘hungry’.”
“Nope.”
- conversation between me and Matt during District 9, which was so good but not so great for snacking. Lots of ickies.

**

It’s a cliche that living with your parents (after you’ve reached the age where you qualify for gainful employment) is kind of a drag. And, well. For me, a lot of the time it can be. My mom is a big control freak and my dad is a very particular and opinionated man, and they use passive-aggressive mind control tactics to get me and my sister to obey them pretty much all the time, from the clothes we wear to the activities we partake in. They’re uber-conservative (I had to hide the fact that I was going to the inauguration from them for a while) and therefore nearly every hot-button moral issue is off-limits. Sometimes it gets tense.*

But most of the time, I don’t know, it’s not that bad. I have time to myself. My dad’s unemployed at the moment too, so we commiserate.  I go shopping with my mom, who’s never unwilling to buy me new things. I’m home for my sister’s senior year, and to see her off to her first year of college (!).

I mean, I want to be on my own soon, but that’s mainly for my own personal growth and independence. For now, I’m just trying to view this time as a well-needed “recharge and re-group” session, where I can focus on myself for a little bit instead of papers and advisement and Housemate Issues.

**

I’m nervous because this week I’ve started to pull away a bit from the concept of going back to school for my MLIS (Master of Library and Information Science). It’s harder to make myself study for the GREs. I’m considering not e-mailing my professors about writing my reccs just yet. It’s hesitation and self-doubt that’s clouding my focus: What if no one will write a recommendation for me? What if it’s too soon for me to go back to school and I burn out? What if I don’t get into the grad schools I really want to? What if I can’t get into any grad schools at all?

And then there’s the Big Bad: What if I’m wrong about wanting to be a librarian, just like I was wrong about wanting to be a teacher?

I just try to tell myself that a decrease in interest after a brief period of enthusiasm is normal, like how you get excited about a new purse or a new pair of shoes but after a couple of weeks it just blends in with the rest of your life. I tell myself to just keep studying, keep applying, keep contacting schools, even though the fire isn’t really there. I think–I’m pretty sure–I hope–the certainty and zeal will come back eventually.

**

This is what this summer has been for me*:

Bursting into life above the surface, and learning how to breathe again.

*Side note: I love and respect my Mommy and Daddy fiercely. They’ve done so much for me already and probably more that I don’t even know about. Their respective life stories are just amazing and one day I’ll have to share them in here.
**Credit must be given to my cousin Tintin, whose Tumbler I stole this from.

And you look like one too

Guess what?

I went to the Philadelphia Zoo on Sunday! I love the zoo! (Almost as much as aquariums.) You know what this means, right?

Show and tell.

If you’ve noticed that the flamingoes are standing in Sweltering Heat, I shall confirm that yes, it was that hot.

I did not take this picture. I am not brave. Matt took it. He isn’t a pansy who is afraid of butterflies.

We rode swan boats! It was 89% as romantic as it seems like it would be, which is a pretty good figure, if you ask me!

Can you even see this guy? He is the size of my thumbnail. He lives in a glass enclosure with a thousand of his twin brothers and sisters.

This lynx probably thought I looked like a tasty lunch. He was a great model, though.

*Zzzzzzzzz*

Of course I had to give my hedgehog Huxley a photo shoot as well.

Very alluring, Hux. You really know how to smile with your eyes.

**

I’m way bummed out that I don’t have a webcam anymore because today is 20sb’s vlog day and I’m loving watching everyone wax poetic on what they love about 20 Something Bloggers. Hopefully next time I’ll be able to do it, too.

**

Do you ever wonder about cheese? Who’s the guy who took his glass of curdled milk, looked at it with concern, and said, “Hmm… I wonder…”?